Sunday, February 15, 2009

Desperation Is A Stinky Cologne


We've all been there, the party that you've been invited too but you didn't bring your own snooty supply. Well, thankfully the guest has beer, but it's completely made up of domestic. Well shit, what to do. Do without beer for the party (impossible and sadistic) or just deal with the crap selection. Here's the rundown from best to worst of.......(shudder)......American beer you are stuck with for the evening.

1) Miller Light - The old reliable, the standard for any summer barbecue and family reunion (my family are all complete drunks). It's cheap but doesn't taste...too...bad. Light amber in color and the aftertaste doesn't make you wish that you could lick shag carpeting until the taste comes out of your mouth.

How To Make It Better: Make sure to get it in a bottle, not a can.

Should You Smoke To Cover Up Taste: Not necessary.

2) Coors Original - The closest you are ever going to get as an American equivalent to Bass. It doesn't taste like complete shit but it does have a bit of an aftertaste that makes you wish you could lick an ashtray for a while.

How To Make It Better: Get it in a can not a bottle.

Should You Smoke To Cover Up Taste: Wouldn't hurt, but not necessary.

3) Coors Light - This particular beer is about as close to making love in a canoe as you can get (fucking close to water). The taste is not fucking horrific but the aftertaste can linger for days. The can is kind of cool as is the nickname (Silver Bullet).

How To Make It Better: Get it in a can, not bottle.

Should You Smoke To Cover Up Taste: Yes, but beware of massive hangover.

4) Budweiser (aka "buttwiper)- Complete shit beer but it is the king of beers and it is delivered by very hung cleiddales. Probably the only product where the advertising far exceeds the product.

How To Make It Better: Bottle not can.

Should You Smoke To Cover Up Taste: Yes, as a matter of fact, smoke before and after drinking.

5) Bud Light (aka "buttwipe") - Taste like shit, it pretty much is shit but when your desperate it's not the shittiest thing to drink. The aftertaste makes you want to smoke weed for a while though.

How To Make It Better: No way you can. It's kind of like making love to an ugly person, just close your eyes and pretend it's something else.

Should You Smoke To Cover Up Taste: Yes, weed if you can.

6) Old Milwaukee - Geez, where are you? A Kentucky hoedown? Christ, pretty much the 7th ring of hell but what can you do? You need to get buzzed, sure you might feel like your right next to Kitty Dukakis drinking down rubbing alcohol but you need this.

How To Make It Better: Ice cold, so cold that you are basically drinking ice chips.

Should You Smoke: Yes.

7) Sterlings - Ugh, well, at least it has a high alcohol content.

How To Make It Better: Get really drunk before drinking.

Should You Smoke: Yes, god yes.

8) Fall City Beer (aka "gas in a can") - Out of Louisville, Kentucky this is pretty much the beer you buy when your dirt poor or completely desperate for some sort of beer like substance.

How To Make It Better: Well, coming in at $9.99 a 24 case you are getting what you pay for. Also, don't hold back the farts, it will only rupture your insides.

Should You Smoke: So much that your taste buds are dead.

9) Busch Lite - Awful, awful beer. Try to avoid at all costs.

How To Make.....you can't.

Should You Smoke: (sigh)...whatever.

10) Miller Genuine Draft - The commercials are hilarious, the beer is tragic. It's basically water flavored beer and it's just like getting punched in the liver repeatedly.

How to..hahahahahhahahahha!

Should You Smoke: Crack would help.

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